I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
