When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
