So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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