I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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