spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
