we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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