I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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