if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
