Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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