i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
