don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
