You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
it wasn't lemon gatorade
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
