I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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