Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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