my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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