I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
