I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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