So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
