Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize