When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
