My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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