I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Someone signed my nipple.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize