so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think my moral compass just broke
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