you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
