I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
