pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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