i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
