I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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