Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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