Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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