No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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