Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
