I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
