Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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