I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
