You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
