Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
