How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
