maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
