I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
