i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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