of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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