you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
