how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
