He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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