His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
