dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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