"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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