I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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