Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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