You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
