I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
