is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
