My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
