i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
