a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
