Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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