my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
