She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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