I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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