I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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