I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
