Your dad touched me again.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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