I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
