my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So squirting runs in the family.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
